Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Bail Me Out - I'm Headin' to Jail!

 

They're sending me to the pokey! I'm going up the river! I'm heading to the slammer! I've been caught red handed!

Well maybe not. But almost!

Here's the scoop. It went down like this.

Our good friend Judy stopped by yesterday afternoon. She's also a volunteer at Good News Mission. Well, anyway, she'd been away in Florida for the past couple of months and was just getting back. In fact, she hadn't even been home yet. Her cats were still in the car in their travel carriers. Sarah and I sat and talked with her for a long time and caught up on everything that had been going on. Finally, we had an appointment and she needed to head to the grocery store and then home to unpack.

Later, we were going on our merry way, when, all of a sudden it happened! We got a call from Judy. She was in distress! When she got home she found a note in her door saying that the police had been there. Yes, I said the police! The p-o-l-i-c-e! It was a criminal summons! A warrant for an arrest. Yes, I said arrest! A-r-r-e-s-t! Only, it wasn't for her it was for her late husband. She was confused. . .in distress. . .upset! She called the sheriff's department to try to find out what it was all about but by this time the people who checked on such things were not there. They said that she needed to bring her husband in for fingerprinting the next day. She responded that it would be rather hard to bring him in since he had been dead for over three years! They proceeded to inform her that she needed to bring in the death certificate then, if she couldn't bring her dead husband.

Well, that just distressed her even more so she called us up wondering what to do. She had never heard of such a thing! I could tell there was distress in her voice. I calmed her down by telling her that I would go with her to the sheriff's department if she wanted. The poor thing. Did I mention that she was in distress? Yes, I said distress! D-i-s-t-r-e-s-s!

Well, anyway, all last night I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning. I just couldn't let my friend go to jail as an accomplice in a crime that she didn't commit! I mean, after all, she is retired and I didn't want her to spend her last few remaining years in the slammer! It was her husband's fault not hers! The poor thing would die an early death. She was in so much stress caused by the distress that it would send her to an early grave! Yes, I said grave! G-r-a-v-e!

Well, I know it was wrong, but, after all, the Bible says we are supposed to love our neighbors and treat others the way we would like to be treated and I sure wouldn't want to rot in the pokey from old age and stress caused by distress. That would be the worst! So, I did what any respectable friend would do! I devised a scheme to break her out! There was going to be a jail break! Yes, I said jail break! B-r-e-a-k!

Here was my plan:

  • I have some friends who have experience with jails. We've worked with all types at the mission. They know how to spring 'em out of the joint! They owed me a favor anyway. We would wait until it was night and the guard had gone on her donut break. We'd sneak in, pick the lock and get Judy out. She has friends in Alabama and we knew that she would be safe after she crossed the border. We could hide her in the trunk of the car and we shouldn't have a problem if she could keep quiet. Her friends could meet us at the welcome station and we would give them the goods.
  • Her cats, on the other hand would be another problem. Her house would be under surveillance I'm sure. We'd have to find a sneaky way to get in. The next door neighbor's dog, Bella, keeps hanging out over at Judy's house so I figured we could dress Jacob up like Bella, he could sneak in to her house, disguise the cats to look like Bella's puppies and have them follow the fake Bella out to the car! We'd figure out a way to rendezvous with Judy later and she could take over the cats.
So, I called Judy and told her I wasn't going with her. She would need someone on the outside once she was locked up. I didn't want to tell her too much in case she was weak and broke under the interrogation. Under the bright lights so to speak. Yes, I said bright lights! L-i-g-h-t-s!

I didn't want to tell Sarah and the boys anything about what was going on either. Of course Jacob would have to know the plan at one time or another, but it wouldn't do to have them worry over me. It was best to wait until everything played out. Their life would be hard enough with a father behind bars. I wanted to run and hug them but I couldn't. There was too much work to be done! So, I set about making Jacob's Bella costume and the puppy costumes for the cats. It was hard and tedious work. I couldn't run the risk of anyone hearing the electric sewing machine so everything had to be done by hand. I had just started working on one of the ornery cat costumes. . . it's hard to sew those small seams. . .my fingers were nearly worked to the bone. . .but I digress. I had just started working on one of the cat costumes when I heard a knock on the door. I figured it was the police. Judy must have squealed! I ran back and gave the kids and Sarah one last hug and kiss. I was going to turn myself in. I didn't want any violence. I bravely opened the front door and there stood Judy. Yes, I said Judy! J-u-d-y!

She must have snuck a file in and filed herself out! I quickly pulled her in through the door in case someone was watching and began looking for a hiding place for her. She assured me, though, that everything was okay. She had gone to the sheriff's department only to find that they had no record of an arrest warrant out for her poor late husband. They told her to go to the clerk's office and see if they could find what was going on. Finally, after spending almost two hours running from one office to another, one of the secretaries came and told Judy, to her relief, that the reason why a warrant had been served on her poor late husband was because he had failed to report for jury duty! Yes, I said jury duty! J-u-r-y D-u-t-y!

Well what a relief that was! Neither she nor I were going up the river! We sat down in total exhaustion. Judy had been in so much stress over her distress you know. Oh we were happy! But, what about the Bella and puppy costumes? What would we do with them?

I came up with a plan. Here's how it went down. . .

*The story you have just read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, maybe it wasn't completely true. And, no names were really changed.
 
The part about Judy getting an arrest warrant in her door for her dear late husband and her having to go down to the sheriff's office was true though. And I'm pretty sure she was in distress. Yes, I said distress! D-i-s-t-r-e-s-s!
 

1 comment:

  1. I cannot imagine how surprised she must have been to arrive home from her trip to be greeted by a warrant for her late husband! The story of the reaction and plan that was schemed up was certainly entertaining to read at the very least. So glad that everything worked out and nobody ended up "getting sold up the river".

    Eliseo Weinstein @ JR's Bail Bonds

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